Friday, January 27, 2006

Some Things Should Be Left to Die

I can see the signs - the '80s are upon us again. And so, here is my Top Ten List of '80s Things That Should Be Left to Die:

10) Old-style stirrup pants. Leggings are fine, and the new-style stirrups are fine (they look more like footless tights, so the stirrups don't stretch up the sides but just go under the feet), but the old-style ones were never attractive to begin with and should have a special circle of hell that is all their own.

9) Those awful Holliscrombietopic t-shirts with "cute" sayings on them that I can remember from when I was 12. Like, "I (heart) New York." There is nothing cool or interesting about that shirt. I mean, there might be, if you had one that actually dated back to 1981 that you dug out of your parents' closet. But if it's mass-produced, it automatically loses its coolness.

8) Ditto for any band t-shirts with logos from the '70s and '80s that weren't actually purchased in the '70s and '80s. See above re. loss of coolness.

7) Most '80s bands. This one is kind of controversial. Let me put it this way - a band that is coming back purely to ride the retro wave probably isn't worth seeing again (and probably hasn't got anything new to offer). There are some exceptions to this - New Order's new stuff, for example, has a sound that is at once very contemporary and also very much in line with what they've done in the past.

6) I haven't seen these yet, but skinny ties, especially if they come in flourescent colors. That's just not a good look for anyone.

5) Actually, come to think of it, flourescent anything should be avoided at all costs, including, but not limited to, socks, scarves, t-shirts, and gloves.

4) Large, ugly plastic jewelry. That one's just personal.

3) Elf boots. I'm not talking about the Laura Ingalls Wilder-style lace-up boots, or even the knee high Medieval-type boots. I mean the ankle-high boots with the little flip at the top that look like they should be accompanied by a wand.

2) Tapered jeans. Tapered jeans look horrible on everyone who has curves - they are the '80s version of low-rise jeans, so let's learn from our mistakes, shall we? Jeans that are cut wider at the bottom have the effect of balancing one's figure. Tapered jeans emphasize the middle of the body, drawing further attention to the size of one's hips and butt. You have to ask yourself why anyone would voluntarily wear them.

And, the number one Thing That Should Be Left to Die:

Leg warmers. Trust me on this. Unless you are a dancer, put those things away. They are the ultimate in poser fashion - they virtually scream, "look at me - I'm not a dancer, but I want to look like one."

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