Random Kid Tricks

"Hey, here's a tongue twister: One smart fellow, he felt smart. Say it three times fast."

"OK - one smart fellow, he felt smart. Three times. Fast."

"No no - say the whole thing. One smart fellow, he felt smart. Fast."

"OK - the whole thing. One smart fellow, he felt smart. Fast."

"No, sweetie, Mommy's trying to tell you: something very funny happens when you say the whole thing fast."

[Daddy helpfully begins saying it three times fast; child protests loudly.]

Finally:
"One smart fellow, he smelt...fart… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

***

"Can you say, 'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers?'"

"I can say some of that, Daddy. ...'Peter.'"

***

Stage whisper from behind me: "Daddy."
"What?" he replies.
"No, whisper!"
"Why are we whispering?"
"I want to talk to you without Mommy hearing."

***

In the back seat, a soft child’s voice quietly sings "Doe...a deer...a female deer..."

At which point I chime in with a song I once heard David Arquette sing on Letterman:
"Dough – with which to buy my beer
Ray – the guy I buy beer from
Me – the one I buy beer for
Far – too far to go back home
So – I guess I’ll have a beer
La – (drunkenly) la la la la la laaaaaa
Tea – thbthh (spit) I’d rather have a beer
And that brings us back to dough!"

Silence.

"What do you think of that?"

Beat.

"It’s good."

"Oh, good. I was worried."

"I wasn’t talking to you, Mommy!"