Monday, November 13, 2006

To Whom It May Concern

Please accept this letter and the enclosed documents as my letter of application for whatever job you might have available.

I was delighted to see your position announcement because I am becoming rather desperate for a job that will pay me a living wage, and I'm glad to know that someone out there is actually hiring full-time employees.

I am interested in a career at your institution because you have students there, and classes, and I teach students in classes, so it seems like a good match. Also, you have a library with books in it and an office, and I need those things. Most of all, though, I am interested in obtaining a tenure-track (or, hey, I'm not fussy, just full-time will do) teaching position before my students do.

I have gobs of teaching experience. I have, in fact, been teaching college for nearly 15 years. In that time, I've taught pretty much every subject there is except for math and science, but I like a challenge, so don't feel that you can't just stick me in any old place. As either a student or an adjunct for my entire academic career, I have not only designed and taught all my own courses, but I have also chaired the department on a couple of occasions. I'd especially be interested in teaching large, 100+ student lecture courses without any Teaching Assistants to help me grade, particularly if I will be assuming the directorship of the program at that time as well as cranking out excellent scholarship. I can multi-task, and I can adapt quickly to new situations. I'm also good with my hands.

My research is really quite interesting, but between adjuncting and writing job applications, it is unlikely that I'll ever have time to complete it. I suspect, though, that it's damn near cutting edge, and if I had been eligible to apply for any of the grants at my institution, I'd probably have something solid to show you.

In any case, I'm well-acquainted with blind loyalty to the institution and hard, thankless work, and I'm a cheap date. I will be so grateful if you hire me that I'll forget all about negotiating, and I won't mention the fact that I've already worked the equivalent of five years' full-time employement, during which time I've watched many of my colleagues who graduated with me receive tenure.

Oh, and I'm not bitter or depressed at all.



Lara said...

Oh my goodness. What if you really could say that in an application.
I could have started mine with
"I am thoroughly desperate for work as I am tired of ramen noodles and my boyfriend is a deadbeat."

blacksweatpants said...

sidenote to the current administration:

i would greatly appreciate it if you joined me on planet earth and realized that our institution has never belonged in our current athletic division. if, perhaps, you could stand the shame of dropping our athletic programs down a division, you could take all the money you'd save and pay our professors (like plainsfeminist), knock down tuition, and invest in more scholarships.

humbly and respectfully yours,
a former athlete who is glad she won't have to play or pay next year.