The Mom I've Always Wanted to Be

It's finally happened - in friendly conversation with a college-age person, I've turned out to be the same age as that person's mom. Granted, her mom was young when she had her - YOUNG. But still, it was a little sobering for both of us to realize.

But it made me think, as I have thought many, many times before, that I will be a far better mother to a teenager than I am to a preschooler. Because I'm down with piercings and all that stuff. I just can't take preschool humor, much of which seems to revolve around screaming "poopyhead!" while running around naked. I just don't get it.

I'd far rather deal with drugs, frankly. I sometimes think I would be deliriously happy if my four-year-old was only a mellowed-out stoner. Instead, he likes to stand in the bathroom sink in order to touch the light fixtures. Yes - standing in the sink while touching an electrical fixture. That's just the sort of thing all moms want their children to try. It's as though all of the babyproofing we did while he was a toddler was for nothing - he rarely ever tried to get into the cupboards then. Now, however, when I walk into the bathroom he's climbing the cabinet above the toilet, probably only one small step away from taking a bite out of my Lady Speedstick.

If he manages to survive until 13, I promise I will gladly take him to get his first tattoo.